The Super Bowl Shuffle

by bobbysumms

If I see one more person post the photo of , “2 States Who Legalized Marijuana are Playing in a Super BOWL lol” I’m going to lose it. The over/under in Vegas on how many high school seniors will pack a bowl, light it, hold in the air, and announce to the entire party, “Oh! Brahs. The Sewpar Bowl has begun!” is currently at 100,000. Doritos is expecting a huge year for snacking, and their not-so-subtle-glory-hole advertisement is perfect.

You ask too many questions Billy.

As for the game—it should be good. Since the playoffs started, I’ve felt like the script has already been written, screaming at homeless men about conspiracy theories. The Sheriff  is riding a stallion named Destiny . He will not lose. He will play with a broken arm, neck, and one leg before he retires with fewer Super Bowls than his family’s pet horse. So when the final horn blows, you’ll see Peyton, a sheriff at sundown, smiling that cheeky grin and lifting the Lombardi trophy. The New York Post will read “PEY DAY; Peyton Manning, Super Bowl MVP, leads the Broncos to victory as advertisers celebrate the most-viewed Super Bowl in the game’s history.”

But the real question here is, why was Bruno Mars picked as the half time performer? I’m not going to be as mean as Tyler the Creator, but he is brutal–everything he’s done sounds like something else. Unoriginal little elf. Did the person in charge ask the entire staff to go poll their middle school kids? Whoever was in charge should be forced to sit in a windowless room for three days straight with a fedora glued to their head, listening to Lazy Song on repeat.

Am I the only one asking, why didn’t the Boss get the call? He just came out with a new CD, he’s from Jersey and he’s more American than an obese person spilling chilly down their chin onto on a bare chest while watching football in yellow-ish underwear. He did the show back in 2009, would be the only argument, but even so–who cares?

Is anyone alive out there!